Family financial favouritism sparks sibling

Unequal financial support from parents can cause deep jealousy and resentment between adult children. In some cases, it sparks legal disputes after a parent's death, according to experts featured in a BBC report.

Dr Fenia Christodoulidi from counselling service Relate states that financial support from parents often carries a powerful emotional meaning. She says siblings may interpret differences in support as signs of favouritism or unequal love. Even when parents have practical reasons for treating children differently, failing to communicate these clearly can leave room for misunderstanding.

The roots of resentment

John, 47, says his parents refused to lend him £10,000 for a house deposit after a relationship breakup. This was despite the money being well within their financial grasp. His parents had previously given his 42-year-old brother a deposit to buy a home and subsidised his living expenses. John says he was viewed as the academic child expected to stand on his own two feet, while his brother was coddled. He says the favouritism has made him believe the needs of others take precedence over his own, affecting his relationships.

Forums like Mumsnet and Reddit are full of posts complaining about preferential treatment. Common gripes include the amount of financial support adult children receive during their parents' lifetime and the way inheritance is divided.

Navigating different experiences

Ellis, who works in finance in London, tells the BBC that she and her siblings have had different levels of support at different times. She says it has never been a problem. Her colleague Tasha, 33, the youngest of seven, says her siblings have fallen out over perceived favouritism even though she thinks her parents treat them all the same. She suggests people sometimes get uncertain or jealous, which is normal, and they may need time to process their feelings before hashing it out.

Claire Webb, a solicitor and mediator at Family Solutions Now, regularly helps siblings with disputes over inheritance and other money matters. One sibling might argue the other was given more money earlier in life, for instance to buy a house, with a promise this would be reflected in the will. If the will then states everything should be shared equally, historic feelings of unfairness are dredged up. To avoid conflict, she says parents need to be clear with their children about their intentions while still alive.

Paths to resolution

For siblings who fall out, Webb recommends considering mediation before taking legal action. The good news, she adds, is that siblings who take the legal route more often than not reach an amicable solution. Most of the time there is a deep-down family bond, and if you can crack what started the problem they often find a way through.

John says talking about money is verboten in his family. Any time he has tried to air his feelings his parents become evasive. He is now planning his financial future on the basis he won't have any inheritance, though he expects to be asked to step in if his parents get ill. He maintains a great relationship with his brother but feels resentment towards his parents for creating the imbalance.